


Goodbye my love,  -Castiel

by Lovely_Sunshine_22



Category: Supernatural
Genre: "You're dead to me", 14x18, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Guilty Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Suicidal Castiel (Supernatural), Suicide, Suicide Notes, spn 14x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 15:38:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18524497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovely_Sunshine_22/pseuds/Lovely_Sunshine_22
Summary: After Mary's death Dean draws himself away from Castiel. The angel can't cope with the guilt and hatred from the other man. He lost a battle against his own mind, because he fought it alone.





	Goodbye my love,  -Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't actually watched the episode so this is based solely on what I've heard and read about. 
> 
> Also I wrote this at like, 1AM in a haze so don't judge it too hard XD

Castiel looked off that morning as the three of them sat by the breakfast table. Dean barely picked at his food, he hadn't had much of an appetite since their mom died. He had tried to avoid Castiel like the plague after what he'd said to him.  _ You're dead to me _ .

 

When he thinks back it seemed a bit harsh, but it was his fucking fault that mom died so he couldn't bring himself to care. But all of this didn't stop Dean from noticing how weird his friend was acting. 

 

Castiel had this sad smile on his face, as if he was mourning them even though both him and Sam sat the the table with him. Dean decided that he didn't care about what happened to Castiel anymore. 

 

Dean stood up, put his plate into the sink and left the kitchen. He heard Sam try and say something but he was cut off as what sounded like Castiel, left the kitchen as well. Thankfully Dean didn't hear him follow him as he made a beeline to the garage. He needed something to keep his anger at bay.

  
  
  


~~~

  
  
  


Dean was walking down the hall towards his room when he saw that the door was slightly ajar. He had closed the door when he left so that meant either someone went in there earlier or was in there now. He slowly crept up to his room, quietly opened the door and looked inside.

 

On his bed, facing the other direction sat Castiel. The fucker had snuck into his bedroom and was just sitting on his bed like he had the permission to do that. With fury in his step, Dean harshly pushed the door open so it knocked loudly into the wall, making Castiel jump up.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here Cas?” Dean growled. Castiel looked taken aback- if not hurt but before the angel could answer Dean continued. “Actually, you know what? I don't actually care. Just get. The fuck. Out.” He barked at him. 

 

Castiel stood up, shock blatant on his face and slowly walked up to Dean. The angel scanned Dean's face, a heartbroken look on his own. Castiel reached his hand up, as if to touch his hunter's face but Dean violently smacked it away. Castiel flinched, pulling his hand up against his chest. 

 

Dean leaned in towards Castiel's face, “I said. Get. Out.” He spat at him, his face set in stone. Castiel nodded solemnly.

 

“Goodbye Dean Winchester.” He spoke before leaving the room. Dean didn't even care what the angel meant by that. He just threw himself onto his memory foam mattress and closed his eyes. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


Castiel walked into the library when Sam sat hunched over a book while surrounded by multiple others. The angel slowly walked up to the younger Winchester and sat down on the edge of the table next to him. 

 

“I think I should leave.” Castiel announced, making Sam's head shoot up.

 

“What? Why do you think that?!” He asked, genuinely confused as if it wasn't obvious that he was a walking reminder of what Dean had lost. “Cas, you can't leave. Now that mom's-  _ gone _ . Dean needs you more than ever.” 

 

That made Castiel laugh, but you could still hear the grief hidden beneath. “Sam.” He began once he'd calmed down. “I think I'm the last thing Dean needs around the bunker. I'm the reason Mar- your  _ mom _ is dead. I- I can't stand how Dean looks at me. How he talks and acts around me, I can't take it. I just can't. Not anymore.”

 

Sam knew how Castiel felt about Dean. He'd know for years. Castiel hadn't told him, but he hadn't denied it when Sam asked. This must be killing him. 

 

Sam sighed, “Alright.” He complied, pushing his chair back and leaning backwards. “Do you know where you're going?” The hunter asked. Maybe it would be okay for Cas to hang back a little, for his sakes more than Dean's.

 

Castiel averted his gaze, making Sam furrow his brow. “So you don-”

 

“Yes. I know where I am to go.” Castiel cut in before Sam could finish. “I wish you farewell Sam. You were a wonderful friend. You were always kind to me, even when you shouldn't  have. You were always more powerful and kind-hearted than anyone expected and I wish you the best. Goodbye, Sam.” Castiel smiled weakly and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. He nodded before letting go and walking down towards the living quarters. 

 

Sam's heart ached for Castiel's. This wasn't Castiel's fault, not really. Jack was basically Castiel's son, you can't blame him- and even then, if you were, Sam would be equally to blame, but Dean only really seemed angry at the angel. 

 

Sam shook his head and went back to reading, he hoped Dean would come to his senses and then go out and get Castiel to come back to the bunker. Before it was too late.

  
  


~~~

  
  


Dean stormed into the library looking for Cas. Sam sat at the table reading and looked up at the noise his brother was making. The younger Winchester straightened up as Dean walked up to him, fury in his eyes.

 

“Have you seen Cas? That son of a bitch took my cassette player.” Dean growled. Sam looked at him, he did not expect all of this anger to be because of a cassette player. Suddenly Sam remembered, shit Cas was leaving. Cas hadn't told Dean? Sam mentally slapped himself. Of course he didn't. He'd just said he couldn't take any more of Dean's mental abuse.

 

“Dean. Cas is leaving.” Dean's head shot up. 

 

“ _ What. _ ” That wasn't even a question. Dean asked this like he had no idea why Cas would possibly leave. 

 

“Cas told me he was leaving. I haven't heard the bunker door so he must still be in his room-” Sam didn't have time to say more before Dean was running to the angel's room. 

 

Dean's head almost spun as he ran. He'd been so angry he hadn't even thought about if Cas would leave. Suddenly the thought of not having the angel seemed unbearable. What he said suddenly came flooding back to him. He hadn't really meant it. Cas knew that right? Cas knew that Dean cared about what happened to him? That he would care if he died? Dean's pulse raced as he realised that he had given Castiel no indication that he cared. No sign that he would blink an eye at his death. 

 

_ You're dead to me. You're dead to me. You're dead to me. You're dead to me. _

 

When he made it to Castiel's door he came to a screeching halt. He went to open the door and found it locked. He pounded on the door.

 

“CAS. Open the fucking door. I'm not taking anymore of your shit. I-” he suddenly spotted an envelope on the floor. Pure confusion filled Dean's head as he picked it up. Nothing was written on the front of it, nor was it addressed to anyone. Inside the envelope was a letter, he unfolded it and started reading.

  
  


_ Dear Dean, my wonderful, beautiful Dean, _

 

_ I know you’re probably here to yell at me, but I fear it’s too late. I’m already gone. I know you don’t care, your words and actions have made that so very clear. I still felt like I should explain why my death was inevitable. Wanted, even. _

 

Wait a minute? Death?!? He quickly kept reading.

 

_ All I’ve ever wanted for you was to be happy. I can’t stand being the reason why you’re not. I try helping you, I try, time and time again but in the end I always fail. I fail you every time. But I think this was the final straw. _

 

_ I really don’t know why you let me stay for so long, even after I betrayed you and disappointed you so many times, but I’m eternally grateful. You made me who I am, I’ve lived for billions and billions of years but this decade with you has had more impact on me than all of those before, combined. You taught me free will, you showed me the real difference between right and wrong. But most importantly, you taught me how to feel. I am both thankful and resentful for that. You are the reason I know what happiness feels like, being in your presence, or you and your brother’s. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You also showed me pain beyond my imagination, hatred and sadness. How lonely and touch-starved a person can become. _

_ But my true happiness and true anguish comes from loving you. I don’t know if you knew this, if Sam had told you and your silence was your rejection but I love you. And I’ll love you even after I pass. Even though I never got to say this to your face I hope this won’t corrupt your memory of me any more than my actions already have. I love you Dean Winchester. _

_ I’m telling you this now because I want you to know why I had to leave, why I had to say goodbye.  _

 

_ My time had come many, many years ago. But my love for you kept me going, the thought that one day you might reciprocate my feelings, even just for a night, it was the only thing I needed. Now, now when you despise me more than you’ve despised Lucifer himself- I don’t know if I can continue.  _

 

_ Remember all those years ago when I told you if I saw what had become of heaven, what  _ I _ had done to heaven, I would kill myself. Well, you are my heaven, Dean and I’ve hurt you and broken you and destroyed your happiness beyond compare and I can’t take it anymore. The looks of pure disgust, the hateful words, I can’t bare it. I know I’m weak, that’s what you’ll say, isn’t it. “What? Are you just gonna give up? Kick the bucket?!” Yes, Dean. I’ve lived far too long and I think it’s time for me to go. I’ve overstayed my welcome and I am not wanted by anyone anywhere anymore.  _

 

_ Please take care of yourself, if not for me, for Sam, for your mother, for Charlie, for Bobby, for all the people who care about you. All the people who loved you. I know my death will come as a shock but I know you’ll get over it soon.  _

 

_ I wish you all the best and I hope you are able to find the love of your life like I had found mine. Goodbye my love, _

 

_ Castiel    _

 

The bottom of the letter was dotted with what Dean thinks were tears. Much like the ones in Dean’s eyes right then. The pit in Dean’s stomach that had collected as soon as Sam told him Castiel was leaving had snowballed into an unbearable pain as Dean screamed, threw the letter on the floor and started pounding on the door. It was still locked and Dean almost didn’t realise to just kick it it. Almost. 

 

The lock on the door shot off with the force that Dean kicked the door in. He dreaded what he’d find in the room but nothing could ever prepare him for what waited inside.

 

Castiel laid on the bed, his back up against the headboard. His trenchcoat had been removed and carefully placed at the end of the bed. Dean’s whole body shook as he walked up to his friend. The angel had headphones on-  _ Dean’s headphones _ \- on and a dopy, sad smile on his face. Dean almost smiled at him,  _ Okay, thing were okay, he was still with him _ , but then blood started leaking from Castiel’s mouth which was still pulled into a smile. 

 

“No!” Dean yelled as he ran up to his friend’s corpse. It was then that he spotted the angel blade sticking out of Castiel’s abdomen. Dean's hands hovered over the angel’s stomach before quickly trying to remove the blade with shaky hands, he even tried applying pressure on the wound, blood leaking out and sticking between his fingers. He knew Castiel was gone. He didn’t dare admit it, but his best friend was gone. His only best friend, the only person ever to even bother to stick around this long was dead. And it was his fucking fault. He did this. Just because of some stupid fucking misplaced anger. 

 

Dean pulled his hands away from Castiel’s stomach and looked at them through his tears. Everything was blurred, the thick red liquid covering his hands, leaking down and spotting the floor. Dean tried to wipe the blood off, wipe the blood off his hands, hoping that removing the blood physically would remove it metaphorically as well. His panicked movements caused Castiel's blade to fall of the bed and clatter on the floor. Dean looked at the object before scrambling away, away from all of this. He ended up in a corner, shaking, looking at what he’d done. 

 

The older Winchester wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting, staring at his angel. His. Fucking. Angel. 

 

Suddenly Sam came in. Dean watched as horror crept onto his brother’s face. Sam turned to him and started shouting something, but Dean couldn’t hear him. He could only focus on Castiel. He studied Castiel’s face. 

 

He looked happy, but you could tell that it was a facade. It was the same smile he wore that morning at the breakfast table. Same fucking smile. Dean should have noticed, he should have noticed. But he was too deep in his own shit to notice. He should have noticed.

 

Dean was ripped back into reality when Sam started shaking him. Dean blinked a couple of times before looking at his brother. 

 

“Dean. What did you do!?” Sam yelled at him. Anger flooded Dean, but he couldn’t even act on it because of the overwhelming sadness that followed. It was then that the tears came. The older Winchester never let tears fall in front of others but he couldn’t help it. Soon he was blubbering words like,  _ gone _ , _ my fault _ , _ Cas _ , _ why _ , _ dead _ , _ letter _ , _ oh God why. _

 

Sam sat there in shock, he didn’t know what to do, he’d never seen Dean like this. He turned back around and it really fucking hit him why. Cas had  _ killed _ himself. Sam stopped breathing, he fell back on his heels and tried to process what was happening or better, what had  _ happened _ .

 

The younger hunter stood up and walked over to Castiel’s bed, that was now covered in the angel’s blood, leaving Dean muttering  incoherently in the corner. He saw the blade on the floor, his own hands shook as he went to pick it up. Tears flowed freely down his face as he moved over to their friend’s corpse, the suicide weapon in his hand. He looked down at Castiel’s face. The smile on his lips broke Sam’s heart. He looked happy, like he was glad that this was happening. Sam felt sick knowing that he probably was. 

 

There were tear tracks on his face, he had been crying as he died. He hadn't really wanted this. He probably thought that this was the only way to fix things. That his death would be the only thing that could fix things.

 

Sam noticed the pair of headphones on his head, covering his ears. The cord lead to a cassette player. Dean’s, cassette player. 

 

He moved over to it, pressed pause and removed the cassette in it. ‘Dean’s top 13 Zep traxx’? What was this? Oh god. This was a gift from Dean wasn’t it. Sam had to restrain himself from taking the cassette player and throwing in at the wall. He opted to throwing the tape itself over towards Dean. What he didn’t expect was the scream of pure agony that the tape ripped from Dean’s throat. 

 

Sam shot back around to see his brother cradling the cassette in his bloody hands, tears streaming down his face. Dean's reaction meant that this cassette tape must have been important. 

 

Sam continued to inspect everything when suddenly he remembered one of the words Dean has been crying out.  _ Letter _ . Cas wrote a suicide note. 

 

He looked for it all around the room before spotting a piece of paper sitting on the other side of the door. He ran over and grabbed it. As he skimmed it he started feeling worse and worse as each word fabricated into a sentence. 

 

Dean, you've really gone and done it now. 

 

He was so focused on the letter that he almost didn't notice as Dean crawled over to the bed, pulling himself up to climb into it. He watched as his brother lifted the ex-angel’s corps to slide underneath. Dean took the headphones from Castiel's ears and placed then on his own, putting the cassette back into the player. He cried violently, clutching Castiel in his arms. 

 

“I loved you too you fucking bastard. I fucking loved you too.” He whispered over and over again. And if Sam thought Dean had broken when they had lost their mom- 

 

All he knew now was that Dean was officially beyond repair.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it!


End file.
